Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Future Is So BRIGHT Even the Robot Tranny Prostitutes from Mars Have To Wear Shades

       Well kids a lot has happened since last I wrote. Like life, some bad, some good and some GREAT.
Just had gone platinum and at my average "chubby" weight.
Before Fiasco in Miami
I guess it all started last August when my partner Peter's parents informed us that we would be able to use their Beach House in Key Biscayne during the last week of August. We had just come off of an exciting (but exhausting) Gay Season (that's what I call the slew of Summer Prides, Events and our Annual NUDE Issue Party for Charity) and were ready for some R&R. Coincidentally, during those summer months I decided I wanted to brighten up my appearance by going platinum blond. I naturally have salt and pepper hair and therefore it makes me feel a bit older than I am. Plus, every mistakes me for being older than Peter and even my sister Mercy and that really started to get my goat. It was a very innocent decision on my part, but one that would cause a ripple of events that would take me down a roller coaster ride emotionally and physically.

During our week at the beach house, I was naturally going to drive down and visit my parents. I had not seen them in 3 month and to be quite honest was not being the greatest of sons in that I was not keeping up with them via phone. Sometimes conversations with them can become pedantic and seem like a chore. You see my parents don't DO much. They wake up and go into one of three routines: A) Cleaning Day B) Dr. Visits Day C) Mall Walking Day. Of the 3, choice C is by far the most interesting but all these options tend to end at noon-ish, at which my parents normally go home, have a light lunch and my dad sleeps for 2 to 3 hours while my mom pretends not to be sleeping on the couch as she watches spanish TV. Our conversation is usually limited to those options or how the weather is in either city – which mind you is only 3 hours away. Either way, it is my duty to keep up with my parents and I was not doing an A+ job. So, I decided to take a day out of my vacations and give them 100% of myself with no distractions. I just forgot one detail. I was PLATINUM BLOND. cover up dye job...with my other mama
Michelle Visage....the one that loves me NO MATTER
Now, my parents are very conservative, they are generally accepting of the fact that I'm gay mostly I think because after 20 years they have grown to love my husband (who doesn't?) But, I think that if we separated tomorrow, they would be on the bandwagon to try to either have me join a convent to stay celibate for the rest of my life or marry a very butch woman. Crazy? Yes! But, that's who they are and I love them regardless. 
As I walked in through the door I saw my mother's face go from delight to sheer disgust as she panned up to my hair (oh one detail I left out….it was styled into a Faux Hawk…desperate…I know) But, everyone else around me had loved it for 3 months so I thought so would they. I could not be wronger. My mom went into silent mode. This is never good. It only means that she is planning her verbal attack carefully. Finally, I could not stand the tension anymore (contrary to popular belief, I hate drama) and said in a snotty tone,"If you would like I could leave as to not disgust you any further." Wrong choice of words. World War of Words 3 erupted with my poor father caught in the middle. It was ugly. I hate ugly, so I decided to get in my car and drive back to Key Biscayne and cry my eyes out like I usually do when things like this happen. Instead, I stopped at a Walgreen's bought Miss Clairol's Chocolate Brown and died my hair in the public restroom (dark colors take less time to take). When I got back to my parents home I was now generally my natural color. I was hoping that my mother would realize that it was JUST hair that she was freaking out over and that the color of it meant less to me than she realized. Unfortunately, she never saw me because she retreated to her room and refused to come out. A diva move, I know…but I guess that is where I get it from too.
At the Headdress Ball Mascarade Party.
Half way to my goal.
I decided to go on with my vacation and not worry about it so much. I extended my chocolate brown olive branch and either she was ready to take it or she wasn't. That night we had a dinner party to attend at my in-laws home. It was beautiful and the family was getting along just lovely. They all wondered why I had died my hair back to brown and I just flippantly said,"I got bored of being a blond…I guess they just don't have enough fun for me." Everyone laughed. I died a little inside thinking to myself,"Even my partners parents, the most catholic people on the planet were ok with my platinum locks, but my mom couldn't except them for only a few days." 
We all sat down to an amazing dinner, and then finally when it was time to enjoy desert I felt a searing and then numbing pain in my head. I felt a headache like never before. Carmen, my partners sister (who happens to be in the medical field) said,"Frank, you do  look so good…." and that's all she wrote. I asked to be excused from the table and immediately began to throw up that beautiful dinner while people were still enjoying their flan dessert. How humiliating. But, the pain in my head only got worse. I was having what Dr.'s refer to as a Cluster Migraine Headache that was being brought on by the amount of stress the fight with my mom had caused me subconsciously. I was sure I was having a stroke or something more dramatic. I was taken to the Emergency room (NOTE: If you arrive to the ER in an ambulance you get taken back immediately to the treatment rooms and bypass the lobby. Good to know….trust me.) The Dr.'s there immediately gave me a shot which knocked out cause I'm a light weight when it comes to drugs of any kind (that's why I don't do any) and when I awoke what seemed like 20 minutes later my sister and her boyfriend Julio were there alongside Peter and our roommate Quinn. I was at the hospital for a total of 4 hours while they gave me several tests and concluded that I had just had a Migraine. Now, I used to be one of those asshole bosses that would just say to an employee when the claimed a Migraine,"Take two Tylenol and go back to work." I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. A Migraine is the worse pain I've felt in my 40 something years. 
After getting back home to Sarasota and seeing an array of Dr's, specialists and Nuerologists they all came to one conclusion – "YOU ARE FAT….LOSE WEIGHT". I got the message loud and clear. So, as a family, Peter, Quinn and I decided to change our life by following and exercise regimen and eating better. We cut out all sugar, sweeteners and glutten. Plus, we began to exercise….UGH….again. 
The next couple of paragraphs I'm going to tell in 80s montage style set to a song I can't remember by Survivor or some other hair band…they are all the same. Cue music:
We worked out
We ate better
We hated it at first
Then "poof" we started seeing results
We've all kept each other from giving up
We got rid of old clothing that no longer fit
We bought new clothing (fashion montage sequence) in smaller sizes
We continue to fight, sweat and eat like rabbits
In the end we made it to our goal….to look fabulous and healthy to the Headdress Ball, the social event of the season in Orlando that is a sponsor of.
It was great, we all three looked like a million bucks!
Next was my annual pilgrimage to pay homage to the dolls I love the most Jason Wu's Integrity Fashion Doll Convention in L.A.! The convention….FABULOUS! My time there: LESS THAN FABULOUS! First night there I had a frightening event happen to me and it altered my ability to enjoy the one event I look forward to every year. But, I'm a true diva as my patron saint Patti LaBelle says and I kept on the best I could to enjoy my time there. 
Next, we come back and I had to take some obligatory time off due to my injury. I dressed dolls and thought a lot about my family. I only spoke to them infrequently at best. A hole was being formed in my heart. No matter how imperfect and very dysfunctional – I missed them. 
I called my mom. We made up in the way we do. We didn't talk about the incident but instead talked about Fashion, Miss Universe and the British Royal Family. It's what we do to let the other know,"I'm over it…let's have a pleasant conversation about things we both love." I accepted her peace offering and she accepted mine. A truce was in motion. 
With the only person that can make me
laugh and have fun even when I want
to strangle her. The Fierce Yara Sofia!
With my soul mate Chi Chi LaRue.
I adore this bitch....and she knows it!
My Favorite of all the Lasky! Heart Of
Gold...Mouth like a Sewer! Adore Her!
Next, Peter and I went on a work-ation alongside 40 of RuPaul's Drag Race girls. I was still not completely healed from my accident. But, I was happy to be leaving the house…which I had not done since the accident. It was extremely fun, stressful and ultimately a great experience for the guests we were hosting. For me and Peter it was like herding cats for 7 days on the high seas. 

Matt Muir Cover Model of the new WHM HiBEARNaion
Issue....for more of Matt check out
After coming home from that Gayest Cruise Ever, I returned to my retine of completing the artwork for the January issue of the my magazine WHM. Finished it with only seconds to spare and returned to Miami for a post Christmas/Birthday celebration with my family and close friends. This time I went with closely cropped brown, salt and pepper hair….weeeessh and thinner than I've been in a long time. I've lost 68 pounds and have put on some muscle as well. I look better now than I have in about 5 years (before the Italy "Gelatto and Pasta Tour of 2010). My mom and dad both looked at me with eyes of Pride. I explained to them that I was now off my blood pressure and cholesterol meds. They were thrilled. Also, I indirectly found out that I inspired my sister and nephews to lose weight as well…and they are really on their way….THEY ALL LOOK FANTASTIC! 
Birthday Night With My friends Model, Writer, Artist, Fellow Doll Collector
Daniel Miagani and my best friend since 3rd Grade Maite
Del Cristo! (Chanel Boots in the shot...GORG!)
     So, now I'm home again, and I'm optimistic about he future. So, I dressed up two of my favorite Color Infusion workshop dolls as Space Tranny Hookers from the Future. I love them. One wears gold which represents how precious all our good and bad experiences can be in the end. And (my all time fav) wears sliver, white and a splash of pink. She represents, hope, good faith and a splash of surprise color as a symbol of wonderful things yet to happen. 
I plan to write now everyday again….let's see how long this one lasts…lol.
Happy New Year to all my friends in the Blogmosphere! I wish you only the best in 2014 and beyond!
With My One & Only beautiful Baby...Peter Aguas!
ps. Best Gifts this year: Jennifer Lopez doll, fabulous Chanel riding boots and a reunion with my best friend since 3rd grade Maite del Cristo. She has no idea how important she has been throughout all my life. She was my protector in school when other kids tried to bully me and my biggest cheerleader when I was down on myself. I'm happy to report that we are back on track after an 8 year hiatus and are vowing to stay in each others life now till the end! 


  1. Ay dios, what a story. clearly I didn't know the half of it, but glad to see after it all you have a positive outlook on the new year to come, and congrats on the weight loss gurl. It's never easy but you have a huge support group with you to motivate and work with you to unite and reach your ultimate goal together. Wishing lots of love, success and happiness in 2014 loca. muah

    PS. lookin forward to more blog posts

  2. thanks Marti...I count you as one of my blessings this year as well...hope to see you more than once a year at the FR Convention! ;-) xoxoxo, f ps. thanks for always leaving a comment and being sooooo supportive of my blog. mush!

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